If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
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In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges