What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
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9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.