Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
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[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?