Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
You Might Also Like
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
When I snag the last meatball.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.