ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
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Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Doubt I鈥檒l ever forget this scene 馃槀
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I鈥檒l bet Charles Manson would鈥檝e made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I鈥檓 candy bars lol