[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
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My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Erm…
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.