One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
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“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back