Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
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Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
I need to update my racial profile.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man