HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
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some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.