I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
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My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony