He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
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I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!