Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?