The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
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wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.