[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
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Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Expect the unexporcupine.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.