CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
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ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.