It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
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Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
good morning
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Rather alarming headline…
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body