#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
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Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.