Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
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When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838