Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
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hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help