My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
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When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure