Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
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[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
be careful
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
next level snooze
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?