Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
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Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
My love language is hissing.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.