Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
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An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
lost dog
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.