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Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.