This will teach them to underestimate me
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Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”