I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
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When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Pandas 🐼🖤
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.