[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
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Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.