3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
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One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..