If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
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Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Friday night party time 🥳
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”