My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
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I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?