Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
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I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.