I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
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mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?