Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
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Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.