Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
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I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.