If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
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Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed