The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
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“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
A couple who are silly together stay together.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
You know I’m something of a chef myself
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.