Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
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[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail