I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
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Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.