Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
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[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils