Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
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why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman