If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
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I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
The biggest mystery of our time
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
This is hilarious….
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM