Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
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My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too