[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
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The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Beauty and the Beast
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Weirdos gonna weird.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.