*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
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#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches