Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
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ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
sugar glider wrangler
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.