My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
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Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
c’mon!
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions