For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
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If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
where the womens at?
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich