Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
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An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
🏙👨🏼
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Monica just destroyed the internet
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?