Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
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Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Welcome to the stomach
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history