The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
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Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky